Long time no see

I'm fighting a losing battle with my emotions.  I can't seem to get a handle on them.  I'm either up or i'm down.  And all of this happens in like a 5 minute time frame.  I'm losing sleep over these horrible emotions.  Whatever happened to not feeling anything?  Now I just feel way too much.  I wish I had the option to turn off my emotions and then turn them back on again.  Like a remote to your body.  As of now, I am shutting down because my emotions have exhausted me.  I hate myself for so many damn reasons.  

"I’m leavin’ never to come back again You found somebody who does it better than he can No more making you cry, no more them gray skies"

I hope that someday I can get past the actual past.  I'm tired of living through all of the terrible memories of the terrible events i was subjected to by the dreaded ex.  I want to throw up everytime i think of the past. He was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I have so many suppressed horror stories.  And i'm sure he's making it out to be like i'm the bad guy and that he was the perfect boyfriend.  He knew he was horrible, and he was worse than anyone could ever imagine.  I hate that i wish death upon him, and yes i know that is strong.  But there are so many times in the past that i wished to die because of the way things were.  i hate him so beyond any recognition.  I could probably kill him if he was near me.  But unfortunately that would put me in jail, and i'd rather move on and have a better life.  And i'm on my way to that better life now.  Thanks to a fantastic boyfriend.  He's helping me get better.  Thank god he's come into my life.  Thank god that i'm done dating that POS. 

"Im just sittin' out here watching airplanes, Take off and fly, Tryin to figure out which one you might be on, and why you don't love me anymore"

I have a growing fear of lose inside of me.  I just can't shake the bad feelings that live within me.  I guess I will always have them, until the day I die.  Nothing is guaranteed anymore. People fall in and out of love all the time.  People come and go all the time.  Life is constantly changing and nothing is permanent anymore.  I just want to go somewhere where nothing changes fast.  I want to go somewhere where life is slow paced.  Where simple love is guaranteed.  Where you feel alive.  I feel dead here.  I want something to be simple and guaranteed for once.  But as long as i'm here and i'm living with these memories and nightmares of the past, i will never be okay.  I just have to keep the demons at bay for 2 more years and then I can escape to somewhere where I feel alive.  Where I can start over fresh, where no one knows me or what I've been through.  Where I can finally be something that no one knows.  I want to be somewhere where I can come and go and no one will worry about where I am going and where no one will worry about whether i'm coming home that night.  I want to move to the country and have a farm and just have life be simple for me for a change.  I just wish I could be okay and not scared for once.  I used to be fearless, but i'm weaker than I thought.  I have nothing left to give anymore.  I have nothing and no one.  Part of it is my fault.  I don't let anyone get to close for fear they'll desert me.  I made the mistake of letting someone in too fast and now I can't figure out how to guard myself back up.  I don't want to feel anything, because then you can't get hurt.  And i'm hurting right now and I don't want to. I wish i wasn't scared. I just want to be safe and confident for once.  I love him so much and it scares me.

"I don't want to sleep without so i bid to you goodnight tonight sleep tight my love"

"If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you'd want to have spent it?"

I'm not sure if i want someone to love me or not.  I feel like a giant disappointment to people and I just can't stand to let one more person down.  It's bad enough that I let myself down so often.  But seriously, please someone tell me what good I am to a person? I don't fit anywhere.  I don't fit into anyones world.  I never have and I don't think I ever will.  I just don't feel like I belong.  And this is not out of depression, and yes I have been off of my pills for a week or two.  But i'm not suicidal.  I'm just starting to feel like I don't belong anywhere.  Maybe at work with the dogs.  I belong there.  Or on a beach.  Or at a farm.  But other than that, it just doesn't feel right.   Like i'm a mutt placed in a room with purebred dogs.  You can dress me up and pretend that i'm grand and glorious and beautiful and that I belong there.  You can prance me around in nice things, but its just a sad fact that I'm just a mutt and everyone else is a purebred.  This is how I feel in Carlos's world.  How horrible is that?  I feel like an ugly mutt in his beautiful purebred world.  I don't belong.  I feel like I'm just not the right person for his life.  I look at him, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend and they've got it all together. They make perfection and class look easy.  Like they roll out of bed and are amazing.  Some people just walk in the light I guess.  I on the other hand roll out of bed and have to go to work.  Maybe it's better if I don't get too attached to people.  Why can't I just accept myself?  I guess I really feel like an ugly mutt in a purebred world.  718 days till graduation.  Yes I understand that that is very sad and pathetic.  But it's all I seem to have right now.  I should just leave this place right now, and go and find where I belong.  I've never truly belonged here.  At least that's how I feel.  

"Don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you want to be?"

I've been trying to live without you now... but i miss you

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

When life was simple...

Oh how I miss riding.  I used to live and breathe for riding.  I miss it all so much.  When nothing else mattered but the connection between horse and rider.  I always remember when I would have a bad day or get dumped or something, and I would go riding.  For that amount of time, it didn't matter that I was in pain.  God what I would give to have a horse of my own.  Someday I will have one of my own.

I'm in your head and everybody knows, i'm supergirl

My Black Boots and the Jerks who loved them

I have a theory that the heels on my feet attract a particular species of “man-heel” unofficially know as Jerkus Maximus. A brief history:

Jeff, thirty-six, drawn to my black calf-length boots like a moth to a bonfire. We meet at a trendy San Francisco bar and he immediately compliments my “sexy” shoes (hello red flag). He’s cute, except he’s never without a lint brush or a nail file, and he shaves his entire body. I know this because he tells me on our first date. When he starts asking wildly inappropriate questions about my preferred positions (not the political kind, mind you), I vow to never answer his calls again.

Chad, twenty-seven, drawn to my four-inch DKNY cork wedges. On our third date, he declares every one of his former girlfriends jealous psychos. I invite him to a party and he shows up with a black eye and swings the host’s kids around by their arms until they scream for mercy. In the days to follow, irrational fights seem to descend on me out of nowhere—usually about the high heels I choose to wear for a night on the town without him.

Matt, twenty-nine, drawn to my sparkly gold Stuart Weitzman stilettos. He refers to his countless other women as “paperwork,” as in, “I can’t see you tonight, I have some [dramatic pause] paperwork to do.” On weekends, he makes midnight runs to the convenience store to buy Snickers, Ding-Dongs, and beer which he likes to consume in one sitting. Fifteen extra pounds into our relationship, I can suddenly out-run him when I’m not wearing the stilettos and choose to do so when I discover he’s still “in touch” (quite literally) with his ex-girlfriend.

Jake, twenty-nine, drawn to those trouble-making calf-length boots of mine. He’s an athlete (the San Francisco equivalent of The New Yankee, and every bit as handsome). He chats me up at a fundraising fête—commenting on the boots—and, shockingly, contacts me the next day. Although he seems perfectly normal on the phone at first, he starts texting, “What are you wearing?” at all hours, and like so many women before me, I foolishly play along and describe something sexy from head to toe (even though I’m likely in jeans and tennis shoes). In person one night, he’s disappointed it was all a very convincing act put on by a very timid good girl. I learn a valuable lesson about professional players and, over the course of several weeks, find out he has slept with nearly every woman living within a twenty-mile radius, including three of my somewhat-close friends.

Silly me. I used to think men don’t notice women’s shoes, but I hear that’s a whole lot of bunk.

When shoes scream “sex!” (unknowingly, in my case), fellas listen, and inevitably want to rip them off—or, in some cases, leave them on.

"She moves it like this when you move it like that"

Finally when things are getting into a good pattern.  I have a good breakfast routine on mondays and thursdays.  I like my breakfast conversations with my breakfast crew.  But good things don't last forever.  And i'm not talking about my breakfast crew.  I'm just talking about my life in general.  Maybe if I was better looking things would turn out better.  I don't know what to do.  The only thing that I know how to do these days, is to shut down and not speak to anyone.  All I really really really want to do is just curl up in my bed and sleep for awhile.  But alas it's finals time and I have to do a ridiculous amount of work.  My major has so much more work than most other majors.  The only other two majors that give mine a run for it's money is Graphic Design and Fashion Design.  I hate how english majors, or nursing majors, or business majors just get to write a few papers and take a few exams.  Then you get to interior design majors and what we have to do for our finals is this: Art history - write a paper then take an exam; Architectural Graphics - trace a perspective onto marker paper and watercolor paper, then do another final project that will take me a few days and many sleepless nights to finish; Interior design - Do a floorplan of main level and basement level, then do a reflected ceiling and electrical plan for both, then do elevations of every single wall in the house which is about 20, then do a programming document which will add to my sleepless nights; Textiles - Gather samples from every known fabric and put them in a book with their name and characteristics and def of each, make the book organized and pretty then turn in and hope to god it's good, then take an exam which would make any strong man cry with how hard and ridiculous it is. Then I just have a geology exam.  But what do other majors get? Oh they get to write a paper and do a powerpoint presentation, then take an exam online and turn it in that way.  Other than that they get to go out and do whatever the hell they want.  I can feel my body shutting down and yet I can't stop for anything.  I just have to keep moving so I can get out.  I wish I could just get on a train and go anywhere.  I'm so close to just doing that.  Start fresh somewhere else.  That would be nice, live a simple life somewhere warm.

"Push the peddle down, headin out of town, gotta make a getaway. The traffic in my brain's driving me insane, this is more that I can take..."

Here we go again.  I feel like I've been here before, and it wasn't all that long ago.  When will I never have to return to this place?  I hope it's someday soon, I don't know how much more of the backseat I can take.  I guess this is the way it has to be.

Such a strange image

"What price for those diamonds? asks the new poster and postcard campaign launched by Amnesty International France, linking the arms trade with human rights abuses in the trade in natural resources."

Puppies = my anti-drug

Caption Reads: Bear Bears Demise

teardrops

I'm going crazy and I don't know how to stop it. hmmmm.

"Promise me you'll never go away..."

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly..."

My stress level has jumped due to recent events.  It just so happens that it's gotten bad enough that my hair is starting to fall out at a more rapid pace.  That doesn't usually happen unless i'm stressed out beyond all recognition.  I just need to finish this textiles book, it's kicking my arse.  I just want to get a good grade on it, and I don't even know where to begin with working on it.  I need to collect more fabric and such.  Then other events have obtained much of my attention.  I can't seem to shake the thoughts.  I couldn't focus on my excursion this afternoon, because i had all of these thoughts of losing my boyfriend.  They consumed my thought process to the point of no return.  I need to relax.  Somehow.

I'm sure it could have gotten worse

I'm sure today could have gotten worse.  But I won't go into detail.  Lets just say it was bad and I would like to not have another day like this again.

"Am I too lost to be saved, am I too lost...."

I must have it out for myself tonight.  I must say i've reached one of my all time lows.  I must have some desire to lead myself to my own demise.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Here comes the recklessness.  I have to try and control myself now, I can't keep doing this. I have to learn to control it and not become this way.

"And it's wearing me out, your wearing me down"

Why do I even bother? I just don't understand how someone can be such a selfish person.  Why is the world full of selfish people. I would die for one of my friends, but why would none of them lift a finger for me?  With the exception of a few people, the rest of them just flat out suck. Actually it's just mainly one or two people that really suck.  They're too conceited and stuck in their own damn world.  I wish I could cry about it, but the sad fact is, is i've already cried myself dry over it.  Why do I have to feel that I need to be a good friend?

Philanthropic - generous

I really like this photographer, he's not much of anyone famous.  But I love his subjects and the way he photographs.  I love black and white photos, they're so much more dramatic.  Plus I very much like images of large dogs running, lol.

"I wanna taste you one more time again..."

This is to my friends, and I, who cannot live a day without their apple products.  GO APPLE!!!

"Just want you to love me back, why can't you just love me back..."

"Your just the best I ever had..."

"My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing, You cut me open and I keep bleeding"

So I often wonder if this is really happening.  If Carlos is real, do I deserve someone so wonderful?  Am I allowed to have this, is it okay to believe in this?  Could this be real, or is this just a dream?  I wonder about all of this a lot, because he is so wonderful.  But I always wonder if this is some cruel joke and i'll allow my heart to fall, and just when I let my walls fall he will tell me it was all a lie and I meant nothing.  I always wonder if I should let my heart become weak.  Because once I let my heart become weak and fall for someone, it then allows them to break it.  I want to believe it all so badly, I want to believe that it can really be true, that he isn't just faking or thinking it's real and it's not.  He makes me so weak, in a good way.  He makes me let my walls down, because I feel that he will protect me if something happens.  He makes my lungs and my knees weak, in a good way.  He allows me to hope, which is a start.  It feels right.  He knows it all.  He's seen me at my strongest and my weakest.  He's seen me crying and me laughing.  He knew what he was getting into, knowing my past, and everything, and he chose it, he chose me.  Is this real?

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to."

"All's well that ends well."

So he says that he's just a shell of what he was.  Well what about me???? What about the fact that I was dead inside when I was with him.  That I didn't even exist.  I was nothing like what I was before I met him.  That I hated every second of my life.  That I wanted to die, because I felt that he was as good as it was going to get and that I might as well just end it now.  Just skip over the whole graduating from college, and getting married, and having kids and a career, and having grandkids, to the funeral.  I don't care how bad I hurt him anymore, he nearly killed me.  And right now I am so pissed for letting him walk all over me once again.  I'm so pissed at myself for letting him make me cry.  I hate to say it, but I don't want to be his damn friend anymore. He's so manipulative.  Thank God I had the strength to realize that he was just an ass with nothing else going for him.  Thank God I didn't marry him, it would have ended in divorce a month later.  I would have killed him.  Right about now, if I saw him, I would probably take a bat to his face.  I can now truly say I know how an abused woman feels, when she feels so threatened by him, even when he's asleep, that she is willing to kill him.  I feel like I should be locked away in an insane asylum.  I'm scared of what I may do to him if I ever saw him again.  I'm scared of it happening again.  I feel so cornered and terrified that it will happen again.  And I don't think I could live through it a second time.  I wouldn't be able to walk away from a second relationship like that.  Because I would feel that it was meant to be, that I had to suffer through another relationship like that and that I wasn't meant to be happy.  I can look at my heart and look at every single scar and tell a person the story behind each one.  Behind each crack and fracture that was held together by stitches that would eventually get ripped open all over again.  The one to the far left is from the night he lost his mind and I lost mine with him and I dumped him at 3 in the morning.  Then he proceeded to take a picture of his knives and tell me how he couldn't live without me.  I felt I had to go back to him.  I had no choice.  The crack on the bottom is from when he dumped me on my Senior Trip.  He was in Hawaii at that time, and he called me and yelled at me for an hour and then dumped me.  I hate him for what he's done.  The abuse has happened so long that all of the events just run together and I can no longer decipher which event is happy and which event isn't.  I think I can feel my heart breaking all over again, not for him, but for what I had put myself through.  I could care less that he is stuck in Iraq with no friends.  He gets what he deserves, and as far as I'm concerned what he's getting right now isn't near punishment enough for the hell I suffered for three long years.  I should have left him 2 and half years ago.  Better late then never.  All I can say is thank you god for bringing carlos into my life.  I'm pretty sure that he saved me.  He's beyond good for me.  I don't need anything else but him.  He's perfect for me.  I can't even begin to explain why he is, you just have to take my word for it.  I finally did something right.  Maybe I'll get my happy ending.  I hope so, ::fingers crossed::

"Behind every beautiful girl, there's a dumbass guy who did her wrong and made her strong."

"Sometimes you get to the point when all you can say is I'm done trying."

"Eventually one of two things will happen, he'll finally realize that your worth it, or you'll finally realize the he isn't."

"Just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe just maybe......she's really good at lying."

"So sleep child no one can touch you now. No one can hurt you now. Not here. Anymore."

Since when is saying how much room is in my pants, considered an option to say lets have sex.  Ugh!!!! They all piss me off.  I just want to shut myself up in my room and throw things.  He pisses me off so much and so does she.  And then of course I'm the one that gets to be embarrased infront of my boyfriend, who in turn laughs at steves stupid joke. Oye. Whatever, let them be retarded together.

So last night was very interesting.  Josh proceeded to tell me how I had broken his heart and how he was just a shell of himself and all this stuff.  And throughout the whole thing I start to cry, because i feel so horrible for how I treated him.  Nevermind the fact that he treated me like shit and I hated my very existence for almost three years.  Why do I have to be such a compassionate person???  It bothers me that I am so weak.  I'm just asking someone to rip the ground out from under me.  Even though I think I'm weak, I'm nothing compared to Emily.  She allows herself to be led around.  She's the little lamb that the wolf lures into the woods.  She can't think for herself.  I thought I was bad, but she is so easily manipulated.  I guess I could say that I used to be that way.  I would do anything just to end the madness.  I would have killed myself just for the pain and manipulation and fighting to stop.  I hate who I was, I hate who he made me, I hate him.  I nearly killed me.  I was a hairs breadth away from pulling the trigger and ending the nightmare.  But I dodged that bullet, no pun intended.  From this day forward, I promise to myself that I will never ever allow someone to manipulate me again.  I will never give someone the satisfaction of watching my heart break into a million pieces, just so they can watch me fall apart.  I will never be that girl again.  I'm better than that.

Red Bull Gives You Wings

Red Bull was made in Austria, that makes me happy for some reason.

Take me there...

What Kind of Girl Are You???

You are: The Wildfire

She is spontaneous, Crude, and loving.  You'll often times find her dancing by herself near the jukebox/the band/ in the middle of an empty field.  She enjoys life on a level unappreciated by others.  Like a lost AM radio station, she is quite a delight to experience, if even for a small amount in time.  Just as wildfire comes, wildfire goes.  She's here one day and gone the next, often leaving without a note.  This is the tragic being of one of God's most beautiful creature.  You'll always remember her for the wind in her hair and the music she sways to.

What about now...

It's been a long day.  I wish I could say it was a good one, but alas, it was tiring.  I almost fell asleep in art history, which was so boring.  I couldn't get a specific person off my mind the entire day.  And then I got to see him and my day was complete, lol.  I need to get over this cold.  I coughed myself into a bloody nose this morning.  It was just bad.  Hopefully it will end soon.  And hopefully a certain someone will notice me. lol.  We shall see.

The getaway

If I run, what would that do for me?  Should I distance myself?  Should I tell him what he means to me?  What do I do???  I need to hit the road and not look back.  But I need a car and a plan for that.  Or I could always just wing it.  But should I?

Oh No

Shut down mode kicking in.  Heart fortress going up.  No trespassers.  What was I thinking??? I can't afford to let anyone get close to me.  It only breaks my fortress.

Zombies beware

So I took the zombie survival test and I got a Z+ and that means that if there was a zombie outbreak I would be unstoppable and that it would take a nuclear bomb to get rid of me. Yeah, I'm bad ass, lol. I love stuff like that. Anyway, that's about all for now. lol.

Must Insert quotes:

"People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, love you, hate you, play you, rate you, save you, and break you, but that's what makes you."

"How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours."

"Song lyrics say the words that we cannot..."

"Don't let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become."

"Sometimes when I say "oh I'm fine" I want someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth."

"Hate is easy, love takes courage."

"Drop pants not bombs, break dance not hearts, make love not war."

"Sometimes its best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes."