"Im just sittin' out here watching airplanes, Take off and fly, Tryin to figure out which one you might be on, and why you don't love me anymore"

I have a growing fear of lose inside of me.  I just can't shake the bad feelings that live within me.  I guess I will always have them, until the day I die.  Nothing is guaranteed anymore. People fall in and out of love all the time.  People come and go all the time.  Life is constantly changing and nothing is permanent anymore.  I just want to go somewhere where nothing changes fast.  I want to go somewhere where life is slow paced.  Where simple love is guaranteed.  Where you feel alive.  I feel dead here.  I want something to be simple and guaranteed for once.  But as long as i'm here and i'm living with these memories and nightmares of the past, i will never be okay.  I just have to keep the demons at bay for 2 more years and then I can escape to somewhere where I feel alive.  Where I can start over fresh, where no one knows me or what I've been through.  Where I can finally be something that no one knows.  I want to be somewhere where I can come and go and no one will worry about where I am going and where no one will worry about whether i'm coming home that night.  I want to move to the country and have a farm and just have life be simple for me for a change.  I just wish I could be okay and not scared for once.  I used to be fearless, but i'm weaker than I thought.  I have nothing left to give anymore.  I have nothing and no one.  Part of it is my fault.  I don't let anyone get to close for fear they'll desert me.  I made the mistake of letting someone in too fast and now I can't figure out how to guard myself back up.  I don't want to feel anything, because then you can't get hurt.  And i'm hurting right now and I don't want to. I wish i wasn't scared. I just want to be safe and confident for once.  I love him so much and it scares me.