"And it's wearing me out, your wearing me down"

Why do I even bother? I just don't understand how someone can be such a selfish person.  Why is the world full of selfish people. I would die for one of my friends, but why would none of them lift a finger for me?  With the exception of a few people, the rest of them just flat out suck. Actually it's just mainly one or two people that really suck.  They're too conceited and stuck in their own damn world.  I wish I could cry about it, but the sad fact is, is i've already cried myself dry over it.  Why do I have to feel that I need to be a good friend?

Philanthropic - generous

I really like this photographer, he's not much of anyone famous.  But I love his subjects and the way he photographs.  I love black and white photos, they're so much more dramatic.  Plus I very much like images of large dogs running, lol.

"I wanna taste you one more time again..."

This is to my friends, and I, who cannot live a day without their apple products.  GO APPLE!!!

"Just want you to love me back, why can't you just love me back..."

"Your just the best I ever had..."

"My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing, You cut me open and I keep bleeding"

So I often wonder if this is really happening.  If Carlos is real, do I deserve someone so wonderful?  Am I allowed to have this, is it okay to believe in this?  Could this be real, or is this just a dream?  I wonder about all of this a lot, because he is so wonderful.  But I always wonder if this is some cruel joke and i'll allow my heart to fall, and just when I let my walls fall he will tell me it was all a lie and I meant nothing.  I always wonder if I should let my heart become weak.  Because once I let my heart become weak and fall for someone, it then allows them to break it.  I want to believe it all so badly, I want to believe that it can really be true, that he isn't just faking or thinking it's real and it's not.  He makes me so weak, in a good way.  He makes me let my walls down, because I feel that he will protect me if something happens.  He makes my lungs and my knees weak, in a good way.  He allows me to hope, which is a start.  It feels right.  He knows it all.  He's seen me at my strongest and my weakest.  He's seen me crying and me laughing.  He knew what he was getting into, knowing my past, and everything, and he chose it, he chose me.  Is this real?

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to."

"All's well that ends well."

So he says that he's just a shell of what he was.  Well what about me???? What about the fact that I was dead inside when I was with him.  That I didn't even exist.  I was nothing like what I was before I met him.  That I hated every second of my life.  That I wanted to die, because I felt that he was as good as it was going to get and that I might as well just end it now.  Just skip over the whole graduating from college, and getting married, and having kids and a career, and having grandkids, to the funeral.  I don't care how bad I hurt him anymore, he nearly killed me.  And right now I am so pissed for letting him walk all over me once again.  I'm so pissed at myself for letting him make me cry.  I hate to say it, but I don't want to be his damn friend anymore. He's so manipulative.  Thank God I had the strength to realize that he was just an ass with nothing else going for him.  Thank God I didn't marry him, it would have ended in divorce a month later.  I would have killed him.  Right about now, if I saw him, I would probably take a bat to his face.  I can now truly say I know how an abused woman feels, when she feels so threatened by him, even when he's asleep, that she is willing to kill him.  I feel like I should be locked away in an insane asylum.  I'm scared of what I may do to him if I ever saw him again.  I'm scared of it happening again.  I feel so cornered and terrified that it will happen again.  And I don't think I could live through it a second time.  I wouldn't be able to walk away from a second relationship like that.  Because I would feel that it was meant to be, that I had to suffer through another relationship like that and that I wasn't meant to be happy.  I can look at my heart and look at every single scar and tell a person the story behind each one.  Behind each crack and fracture that was held together by stitches that would eventually get ripped open all over again.  The one to the far left is from the night he lost his mind and I lost mine with him and I dumped him at 3 in the morning.  Then he proceeded to take a picture of his knives and tell me how he couldn't live without me.  I felt I had to go back to him.  I had no choice.  The crack on the bottom is from when he dumped me on my Senior Trip.  He was in Hawaii at that time, and he called me and yelled at me for an hour and then dumped me.  I hate him for what he's done.  The abuse has happened so long that all of the events just run together and I can no longer decipher which event is happy and which event isn't.  I think I can feel my heart breaking all over again, not for him, but for what I had put myself through.  I could care less that he is stuck in Iraq with no friends.  He gets what he deserves, and as far as I'm concerned what he's getting right now isn't near punishment enough for the hell I suffered for three long years.  I should have left him 2 and half years ago.  Better late then never.  All I can say is thank you god for bringing carlos into my life.  I'm pretty sure that he saved me.  He's beyond good for me.  I don't need anything else but him.  He's perfect for me.  I can't even begin to explain why he is, you just have to take my word for it.  I finally did something right.  Maybe I'll get my happy ending.  I hope so, ::fingers crossed::

"Behind every beautiful girl, there's a dumbass guy who did her wrong and made her strong."

"Sometimes you get to the point when all you can say is I'm done trying."

"Eventually one of two things will happen, he'll finally realize that your worth it, or you'll finally realize the he isn't."

"Just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe just maybe......she's really good at lying."

"So sleep child no one can touch you now. No one can hurt you now. Not here. Anymore."

Since when is saying how much room is in my pants, considered an option to say lets have sex.  Ugh!!!! They all piss me off.  I just want to shut myself up in my room and throw things.  He pisses me off so much and so does she.  And then of course I'm the one that gets to be embarrased infront of my boyfriend, who in turn laughs at steves stupid joke. Oye. Whatever, let them be retarded together.

So last night was very interesting.  Josh proceeded to tell me how I had broken his heart and how he was just a shell of himself and all this stuff.  And throughout the whole thing I start to cry, because i feel so horrible for how I treated him.  Nevermind the fact that he treated me like shit and I hated my very existence for almost three years.  Why do I have to be such a compassionate person???  It bothers me that I am so weak.  I'm just asking someone to rip the ground out from under me.  Even though I think I'm weak, I'm nothing compared to Emily.  She allows herself to be led around.  She's the little lamb that the wolf lures into the woods.  She can't think for herself.  I thought I was bad, but she is so easily manipulated.  I guess I could say that I used to be that way.  I would do anything just to end the madness.  I would have killed myself just for the pain and manipulation and fighting to stop.  I hate who I was, I hate who he made me, I hate him.  I nearly killed me.  I was a hairs breadth away from pulling the trigger and ending the nightmare.  But I dodged that bullet, no pun intended.  From this day forward, I promise to myself that I will never ever allow someone to manipulate me again.  I will never give someone the satisfaction of watching my heart break into a million pieces, just so they can watch me fall apart.  I will never be that girl again.  I'm better than that.