So he says that he's just a shell of what he was. Well what about me???? What about the fact that I was dead inside when I was with him. That I didn't even exist. I was nothing like what I was before I met him. That I hated every second of my life. That I wanted to die, because I felt that he was as good as it was going to get and that I might as well just end it now. Just skip over the whole graduating from college, and getting married, and having kids and a career, and having grandkids, to the funeral. I don't care how bad I hurt him anymore, he nearly killed me. And right now I am so pissed for letting him walk all over me once again. I'm so pissed at myself for letting him make me cry. I hate to say it, but I don't want to be his damn friend anymore. He's so manipulative. Thank God I had the strength to realize that he was just an ass with nothing else going for him. Thank God I didn't marry him, it would have ended in divorce a month later. I would have killed him. Right about now, if I saw him, I would probably take a bat to his face. I can now truly say I know how an abused woman feels, when she feels so threatened by him, even when he's asleep, that she is willing to kill him. I feel like I should be locked away in an insane asylum. I'm scared of what I may do to him if I ever saw him again. I'm scared of it happening again. I feel so cornered and terrified that it will happen again. And I don't think I could live through it a second time. I wouldn't be able to walk away from a second relationship like that. Because I would feel that it was meant to be, that I had to suffer through another relationship like that and that I wasn't meant to be happy. I can look at my heart and look at every single scar and tell a person the story behind each one. Behind each crack and fracture that was held together by stitches that would eventually get ripped open all over again. The one to the far left is from the night he lost his mind and I lost mine with him and I dumped him at 3 in the morning. Then he proceeded to take a picture of his knives and tell me how he couldn't live without me. I felt I had to go back to him. I had no choice. The crack on the bottom is from when he dumped me on my Senior Trip. He was in Hawaii at that time, and he called me and yelled at me for an hour and then dumped me. I hate him for what he's done. The abuse has happened so long that all of the events just run together and I can no longer decipher which event is happy and which event isn't. I think I can feel my heart breaking all over again, not for him, but for what I had put myself through. I could care less that he is stuck in Iraq with no friends. He gets what he deserves, and as far as I'm concerned what he's getting right now isn't near punishment enough for the hell I suffered for three long years. I should have left him 2 and half years ago. Better late then never. All I can say is thank you god for bringing carlos into my life. I'm pretty sure that he saved me. He's beyond good for me. I don't need anything else but him. He's perfect for me. I can't even begin to explain why he is, you just have to take my word for it. I finally did something right. Maybe I'll get my happy ending. I hope so, ::fingers crossed::
"Sometimes you get to the point when all you can say is I'm done trying."
"Eventually one of two things will happen, he'll finally realize that your worth it, or you'll finally realize the he isn't."
"Just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe just maybe......she's really good at lying."
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