Oh Boy

I don't even want to think about the future. You know how people all have this exciting event in their future, well I'm tired of living like that. I want to live day to day, making sure that each day has some brightness to it. It could always be worse. I want to live moment to moment, not event to event. Life should not be all about highs and lows, even though it is, but everything happens for a reason. There is always darkness before the storm clears. I shouldn't want to die, people shouldn't want to die. People drink and smoke and do drugs and just do reckless things, in the hope that it will lead to their demise. I understand things are bad, but there is always a person out there that has it worse off than you. And instead of trying to end life, we should embrace it and try to make the most of every situation.

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst"

Therefore, I am going to try to no longer be sad or upset or worried. Key word try. I want to live day to day as if it were my last, and never look back. I want to have no regrets anymore. I know all of this is bullshit, but we'll see, lol. I want to live life to the fullest and take every situation with a level head and a strong heart. I just might try to get off of my anti-depressants. You say that I don't need them and that I should be happy. How can someone tell you to not be depressed when they're the reason you are depressed. Their the reason that you've wanted to die for so long, They know their the reason, but you don't want to point out the obvious, because you will only be told to shut up and that your wrong. Oh boy, now i'm just being nostalgic, without the desire to return to those damn memories. I feel so alive and stable for once, lets see how long this lasts.

WTF

What in the hell am i thinking? I have definitely lost it.

????

They can't be who I want them to be. Confusion is setting in. Why do things have to be this way, I guess since it's nighttime my thoughts are clouded and not well put together. Hopefully things will begin to clear up once the sun comes out. I wish I had someone to talk to that could understand the way I think, but I don't think anyone does. I don't even think I understand the way I think. I just want one person, to look at me and see what I feel. Just one person that can see through the facade that I hide all of my problems and worries behind. Just one person who I know I can always trust and call when i'm not well. Just one person who can see me for who I am and say that i'm perfect in all of my imperfections. And they won't try to change me from what I am, because I am who I am. I only want them to understand and appreciate what they have in me. I know I'm not perfect, but I love myself. At least I think I do. You get told what is wrong with you so many times that you begin to believe it, and you can no longer cry when it hurts, because it's the same old story every time, with the same ending. So what's the use in crying, it doesn't solve anything, and I already know how the story begins and how it ends. There's no point in trying to change it, its all part of the cycle. Maybe someday I can break the cycle, just long enough to free myself from it. God one can only hope. I need a guardian angel. Anyone up for the job????

I felt compelled to add this